- Do get in
touch. Let your genuine concern and caring
show.
- Do be
available to listen, to help with the other
children, or whatever else seems needed at
the time. Offer help with practical matters
like house cleaning and meals.
- Do say
you are sorry about what happened to their
baby and about their pain.
- Do allow
them to express as much grief as they are
feeling at the moment and are willing to
share. Accept silence; if the family doesn’t
feel like talking, don't force conversation.
Follow their lead.
- Do
encourage them to be patient with
themselves, not to expect too much of
themselves and not to impose any "shoulds"
on themselves.
- Do allow
them to talk about their baby.
- Do give
special attention to the siblings of the
baby that died.
- Do
reassure them that they did everything that
they could, the medical care their baby
received was the best, or whatever else you
know to be true and positive about the care
given their baby and/or pregnancy.
- Do
encourage them to seek outside help, either
from a health professional or another
bereaved parent.
- Do
remember the family on the baby's birthday,
anniversary of death, Mothers Day, Fathers
Day and other occasions. Permanent
memorials, such as the First Candle Tree of Hope, help families know
that their baby has not been forgotten.
- Do be patient with them. Coping with the
death of their baby may take a long time.
Stay in touch.
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- Don't let
your own sense of helplessness keep you from
reaching out to the bereaved family.
- Don't
avoid the family because you are
uncomfortable.
- Don't say
you know how they feel (unless you've lost a
child yourself, you probably don't know how
they feel.)
- Don't
probe for details about the baby's death. If
the family offers information, listen with
understanding.
- Don't
tell them what they should feel or do. Don't
impose your religious or spiritual views on
them.
- Don't
change the subject when they mention their
dead baby.
- Don't
point out that at least they have another
child; or could have more children in the
future.
- Don't
blame anyone for the death. Don't make
comments which suggest that the care at
home, at the childcare provider's, in the
emergency room, hospital or wherever was
inadequate.
- Don't try
to find something positive about the baby's
death. Avoid clichés and easy answers.
- Don't
avoid mentioning the baby's name out of fear
of reminding them of their pain.
- Don't say "you ought to be feeling better by
now" or anything else which implies a
judgment about their feelings, or sets time
expectations or limits their healing process
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